Hold me, part 1 (zarry)

Ok, so there are probably a lot of grammer mistakes, but try to ignore them. The small lyrics are from Ed’s song “Small Bump” so i probably recomend you to listen to it while reading.

„You are my one and only”

The streets were dark and empty and it took me a few seconds to notice the storm around me as i felt raindrops running down on my face. I ran as fast as i could and tried to ignore harry’s desperate voice behind me. My mind was a mess, eyes full with tears and heart beating faster than ever. The dizzy feeling growing inside of me made me to stop before i would probably fall on the street so i just sat on the steps in front of some house as i couldn’t care less if somebody sees me now. It took about ten seconds for harry until he was standing in front of me, catching his breath. I was too scared to actually look him in the eyes so i just put my face inside of my hands, hoping that he’ll be gone by the time i’ll raise my head again. „Please, just listen to me Zayn, you can’t run away from me, you can’t run away from the truth” Harry said in a shaky voice as he was still trying to catch his breath. I didn’t even move, my mind was somewhere else as i was still praying that the conversation that happened between me and him about twenty minutes ago wasn’t real.

„I’ll hold you tightly and tell you nothing but truth”

„Hey babe, i bought all the food for the dinner!” i shouted as i came in harry’s appartement and closed the door behind me. We hadn’t had a chance to spent some time just with two of us for a really long time so it was hard to hide my smile for the whole day, knowing that tonight Harry will be completely mine. I came into the kitchen and started to put all the products i bought out of the bag and shouted Harry’s name once again. After all the stuff was put into the fridge i went upstairs thinking that Harry is probably taking a shower, but as i walked past the bedroom i noticed him standing there, face to the window, his eyes looking somewhere outside in the rain and in that exact moment i realised that  he looked so unfamiliar to me. The usual fervor in his eyes was lost and the cheeky smile he used to give me when ever he saw me was hidden by his bleak facial expression. „What’s wrong?” i asked as i felt my voice getting shaky. Harry didn’t even turn aroud, he just closed his eyes, bended head and quetly said „I think you should sit down before i tell you something”. My body refused to do any movement as i started to feel slightly sick. I’ve never seen Harry so serious in my intire life and the sadness in his face made the teardrops start to grow in my eyes already. „No, I think i’ll be fine, but you’re really scaring me now, what happened?” i tried to sound not so worried but all that came out of me was cracky voice. Harry finally turned around and looked me in the eyes. He hadn’t told me anything yet but the feeling was something like i would’ve just jumped out of the plane and realised that my parachute has stucked and i will probably crash right into the ground any second. His green eyes suddenly seemed full with darkness and for a few seconds we just stood there in silence, looking to each other. „Ok, so whatever happens and whatever i will say to you, you must promise me that you will not freak out ok?” Harry said as he suddenly tried to look calm and steady. „How can i promise you something like that when your face is telling me that you have some terrifying news?” i sounded almost angry now just because i felt more scared with every second. „Zayn, please, just sit down and listen to me. Don’t interrupt me before i’m finished and i really need to be sure you won’t freak out as i need you now more than ever. So, this promise is all i’m asking from you right now”. My mouth was completely dry and i couldn’t put any sound out of it so i just noded. „Alright”, Harry whispered and took my hand as we both sat on the bed. Harry was looking for the right words and all I  heard in this silent moment was the rain hitting across the window and my own heartbeats. The teardrops were gone as i felt nothing but cold feet in this small moment. Harry took a deep breath and finally broke the silence. „As you know i didn’t feel too good for the last few months so i went to the doctors. I took some analysis and blood tests and last week the doctor called me and asked if i could go to the clinic as it is too personal to tell me on phone. So today i went there and he told me what’s wrong with me..” Harry stopped for a second there just to look straight me in the eyes. My hand was still in his own hands and he just squeezed it as it started to shake more and more. Green eyes staring into my soul as the younger boy was trying to understand if i’m ready to hear the next sentence. I knew i wasn’t but before i had any chance to think about the worst things Harry could say he quetly mumbled „I have a cancer Zayn.” The blood rush i felt was almost too hard to handle so i automaticly pulled out my hand out of his and jumped of the bed. I was looking for words in my blank mind, but nothing was comming out so i just started to walk around the room in total nonsense. The pain, amusement and shock that Harry had put in me saying these five words reminded me the parachute feeling and this was the moment i had reached the land and each of my bone felt broken. „You’re joking right? You GOT to be joking! This is not true, there is no way this is true, that doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about! You’re nineteen, you have your whole life in front of you, there is just no way that this sickness has reached you! Oh my god, Harry, tell me that this is all just a sick joke, i’m begging you, tell me you’re lying to me right now” i yelled at the curly haired boy who was still sitting and watching me freaking out as i looked like an insane person at this point. „Zayn, you promised me..” „I don’t give a fuck what i promised, you need to tell me that this isn’t true in this right second, do you hear me? Harry, PLEASE..” the last words came out desperately as teardrops were falling on my cheeks. I had grabbed Harry by his shoulders and looking in his eyes searching for relief, but all i saw was saddness and compunction. „Babe, you know that i would never joke like this and please, you need to understand that it was a complete shock for me too and i’m freakin scared so i really need your support right now so i beg you, try to calm down” Harry said in an unbelievably still tone in the same time taking my arms of his shoulders and putting in his own once again. „Calm down? You just told me that you have a sickness that we all now ends up with a death in a pretty short amount of a time and you’re asking me to calm down?” i said and realised that i might break down any second as i couldn’t look into Harry’s eyes for a single moment any more so i just ran outside the room trying to balance myself as i felt blind from the tears in my eyes and the black spots i saw in front of me. I felt that i could throw up any second so all i wanted was fresh air and a place further from our bedroom so i grabbed my jacket that i left in the kitchen and run to the outer door. In that time Harry had reached me and stood right in front of me. „I love you and right now, in this point of my life i need you more then ever so don’t you dare to leave me Zayn” Harry said slowly, trying to seperate and stress every single word. „How can you ask me to stay if in a few months you will leave me forever?” i said and turned around  leaving the love of my life behind me.

„And now your scan on my unmade plans”

„How long” i mumbled as my face was still hidden in my hands. „What?” „How much time do you have left” i paraphrased my question pushing out every word out of my mouth with pain. „The doctor said 3 or 4 months, half a year if i’m lucky” Harry’s voice was silent and too damn calm that made the anger grow inside of me again so i raised my head. „How can you be so fucking peaceful standing here and telling me that you will actually die in the next few months?! That you will disappear leaving me all alone, leaving this world, you jerk, how dare you to do this to me?” i yelled as loud as i could, putting all of my anger and pain out. I knew that blaming Harry is the worst thing i could actually do right now but the emotions took all over my mind. The blood rushing extremely fast in my brain, my veins pulsing and goosbumps all over the body as all of my clothes were wet from the rain. „Peaceful? Don’t tell me that  you seriously think i feel like that? That i just acquiesced these news with no emotions when somebody had told me the actual words „you have left a few more months to live”.Oh my god, i should’ve known that you will act like this”, the shorter boy turned around as he slightly wanted to leave but then turned around again. „You know what was the first thought that actually came across my mind when the doctor said i’m sick? Do you?” Harry asked me, now his anger growing as he stopped acting continent and putting all the emotions out at last. I didn’t answer, just sat and stared at the boy i loved more than anything in my life. „Well i believe you don’t so i’ll just tell you. The first though wasn’t about my family or that i’m so young and i still have so many things i would like to acomplish in my life. The first though was YOU. All i could think of was you and the fact that these are the last months that i can actually spend with you. Your stupid, perfect face, your eyes, your lips, your laugh, your body, that was all i could see in front of me. The fact that i will need to leave you is the worst thing i have ever realised because you are the reason i’m alive, Zayn, you are the reason i breathe. The feeling is like somebody is constantly stabbing me with a knife because the pain i feel when i’m looking at you right now and knowing that we won’t grow old together is unbearable. All i asked for you was support and you couldn’t even give that for me, Malik, why should i spent my last time with you” Harry said turning around and leaving me with sunking heart and shaking body.

07.07.12 ♡4
  1. zaynyboy posted this